5 Things You Should Never Do At A Vanilla Pop Show

You're all excited to come out and dance. You've picked out your threads for the night, called your crew, and are already frothing at the mouth in anticipation of your first cocktail. Great. We know you're a drunk, and that you owe yourself a night out. After all it's been two days. But with great power comes great responsibility. 




I thought I'd share with you some of our Vanilla peeves regarding acceptable behavior when it comes to having a good time with us. If you have violated any of these in the past few years please know that I'm not mad at you. But if I ever see you cross that boundary one more time...god help me I'll tear out your eye balls and throw them in my martini.

Rule #1
Don't touch our equipment

 

Our shit is our shit. Not yours. Ours. Do we come over to your house and put a few drinks down on your night stand? Do we go over to your Prius and just start leaning on it? Do we come into your kitchen, pull out a pan, make some eggs and not clean up? Do we poop in your sink? No we do not. In turn do us a favor- keep your damn, dirty paws off our damn, dirty equipment.

This means:

1. Don't set your drinks on our speakers.
   Just because you are too far away from your table and need to have alcohol in your hand at all times does not mean you get to set your drink down on the nearest surface. (IE: our speakers.)
2. Don't lean on my keyboards. I know they are at a comfortable "please lean on me" level, and that I am so charming that you are forced to come over and engage me, but just because you saw some singer chick lean on a piano in Vegas once, does not mean that you are a singer in Vegas. I know the odds of you falling and taking my rig with you are slim, but it has happened and has stopped the show dead in it's tracks. You are a bit too drunk to realize just how drunk you are. Your perception is off and you probably think that you are not teetering. Know what? You are teetering. Don't be that person.
3. When you see our gear crates in another room or off to the side of the stage, it doesn't mean that they are there for you to sit on. Use a chair like a human.
4. Unless I'm on the dance floor co-mingling with ya'll during a song...don't touch me. And definitely don't touch Lester.
   You don't need to feel his pants while he is playing and you don't need to run your fingers through my hair. I have a sister for that.

These are just a few "Do Not Touch" rules. All the others should be obvious. If it ain't yours...it ain't yours to touch, fondle or caress, lick,rub or otherwise interact with. Thank you.

Rule #2
Don't talk to us immediately after a set.

We just entertained you for a solid hour. When the last song of the set is done, please give us a few minutes to adjust. There's nothing worse than saying "We'll be right back." and then have someone immediately up in our grill asking us questions and wanting to chat. If you do this I will ignore you and never dedicate another song to you for as long as I am able to hold a microphone. Then I will embarrass you in front of your date and crop dust you as I walk by.

Rule #2b:

The above also applies to the bathroom when we are changing into costume as well. If you do happen to barge in on us when we are in the loo during our pre-show costume change, say hello, toss us a compliment and be on your way. How are we supposed to carry on a conversation when we are glued to the mirror while attempting to apply our moustaches? And yes, I do prefer the British spelling of "moustache".

Rule #3
Don't sing into the mic while I am singing.

Unless I specifically point the mic in your direction, there is no need for you to grab the microphone and chime in. You have no timing, you are off-key and you throw me off. In other words... you are terrible and should do what you do best, which is leave the singing to the professionals.

Rule #4
Don't ask to be on the guest list every time.

 

You pay taxes don't you? Well that money goes towards the military industrial complex and funding other wonderful causes. By paying the cover charge you are supporting two very nice men who make you happy for a living.
We play for the door. You getting in for free takes food out of the mouths of my seven hungry illegitimate children. Plus it makes you look cheap. If we like you, you'll be on the list every once in awhile. If we don't -you gotta pay. And if we do put you on the list...show some class and buy us a drink fer chrissakes. Or bring us some Elk Jerky (thanks Sammy). For the record- we alternate. You may be in our good favor and be on the list one month but then you'll be off the next. Don't expect it every time. That's egocentric and messed up. Plus there are other fans who want to feel special. Be cool and support local music. You cheap bastards.

Rule #5 (For you guys.)
Don't start a fight.

If your girlfriend dresses like a whore, she will get gawked at by other dudes. Don't expect anything different. If this happens, you do not have the right to pick a fight with another one of your fellow douche bags. You get what you pay for. Tell your girlfriend to show a little bit of class and restraint and you won't have these issues. If you like the fact that she dresses like a tramp and you enjoy showing her off because it makes you feel like you're some important dude who's more desirable than everyone else- then you have problems and need help. If you do fight- we will have you kicked out immediately. Then you can go home and explain to that little slut of yours that you have no sense of civility and need to solve all your problems with your fists like a Neanderthal. Then you can go skin a Mammoth and drag your wench around by the hair while you try and figure out how to make fire.



These are just a few of the "How to behave at a Vanilla Pop show" requests. I call them "requests" and not "rules" because ultimately I'm not the boss of you. Only you can prevent forest fires and only you can prevent yourself from being an idiot. Actually that's a lie. It's not only you who can prevent forest fires, it's also bears with matches. So please- don't feed the bears matches.